diggy's way of seeing

Heartbroken, so proud, so angry

I'm sure this is little use in my essay - but quite amusing!

yams:

Early Medieval Ireland was a period in Irish history that was defined not by the introduction of Christianity but by the popularity of Cheeseand Cheese-related products in Ireland but not the rest of the world.

[edit]Cheese and St. Patrick

Cheese was the only food eaten back then. Cows were reared and bled for their cheese-flavoured blood. They were never milked, because they didn’t have milk; they had leaky cheese. They were made of cheese. Vegetables were grown by accident as they thought they were made of cheese but weren’t so they were abandoned from the diet very early on, because nobody ate them.

St Patrick arrived in the reign of the great high king Darren O’ Beardy-MacBeard which was sometime ages ago, around the year St. Patrick came to Ireland. Back then there were no Celts as there is no archaeological evidence to say they had a language. There are however many stories about cheese and words pertaining to curdled milk-produce that strongly suggest that people had access to cheese back then.

About five minutes before the arrival of St Patrick in Ireland, the great high-king at the time was defeated in battle by Darren O’ Beardy-MacBeard because he distracted half of the high-king’s forces by himself by banging two sticks together. Beardy-MacBeard himself then became the greatest high-king in Ireland ever because he had a huge, red beard where he stored his cheese, and long hair, but he was going bald, but he kept up the fight by keeping his hair long, and most notably because he was not a ‘Taigue’.

The people of Ireland loved Darren for the cheesiness of his beard, hoping to snatch some to eat, because they were hungry as potatoeshad not been invented yet. Darren however would not let them steal cheese from his beard as he was high-king and thought it not cool. He ran from his people and ran so much he decided to cheat and he invented a bicycle. The early forms of bicycles were made of cheese and fragments of red beard, and were known as cheese-cycles. The high-king Darren cycled from his people so fast he managed to break the speed of reality and travelled through time and ended up on the “Táin” where he cheesed the white bull for a snack. He could not eat himself as to be a king in Ireland you had to be whole, and not somewhat broken.

St. Patrick praised Darren for his cheesy goodness, and preached to the people of Ireland about how good cheese was and that Christianity was really a load of crap.

[edit]Viking invasions

The Vikings came to Ireland because they heard St. Patrick talk about cheese and wanted to rob some for themselves. The Vikings were noted for their distinguishable costume which was in the form of only bright red and dark black plaid golfing trousers and wore only this and other things wrong. They distinguished themselves in battle by their scary battle cry“nnhhaarrhh!”. Female Vikings were immortal for no reason whatsoever other than they didn’t want to die, especially not in battle.

The Vikings came to Ireland in boats made from Africans, but then quickly changed over to making them from cheese once they stole it all from Ireland and thus ending the Early Medieval Period in Ireland in the year after St. Patrick’s arrival.

Most artefacts found from the period are made from cheese in various forms of petrification. The Ardagh Chalice was made of cheese. The Book of Kells was made from early style of easi-single cheese. The Book of Kells was not in fact a Bible, but was in fact an instruction manual on how to make cheese, but people misunderstood as they didn’t know the language until about ten minutes ago.

That would sure lead to some crazy nightmares